Your Questions About Work, Caregiving, and Covid-19, Answered

At the start of the pandemic, when my husband and I were shifting to working from home while caring for our preschooler and toddler and procuring enough milk, eggs, and disinfecting wipes to keep everyone fed and safe, I began using an automatic email reply to alert my contacts that I might not be as immediately available as I was before.

At first it was a generic message that responses might be delayed. But as the pandemic wore on, and keeping all the trains moving got more and more complicated, I began using the space to capture the weirdness of working parenthood during a pandemic. And so, if you emailed me, you heard about my dog-phobic four-year-old pleading for five puppies for his birthday, or naming my new office chair (“swishy seat”), or very adroitly referring to our home as a “fun house.”

“Life is weird right now,” I closed every automated message. “Please bear with me.” It was a plea — a shout, really — to let people know that there was nothing normal about how my life had shifted overnight. The joy of these messages was how I heard back from so many of my colleagues: “Yes, same.” Followed closely by, “But seriously — what are you doing about school/work/time management/guilt/etc.?”

Honestly, I didn’t have — and still don’t have — any idea. Most days, making it to the end of the workday, filing an assignment, and waking up the next day to do it again are pretty big wins. But can I, can we, be doing better? Should we be?

To find out, HBR asked parents around the world who are employed outside (figuratively speaking, at least) the home: What is difficult right now? What do you need help with? You’ll find their responses below, collected from HBR’s LinkedIn group, and arranged by theme:

• Taking care of yourself
• Dealing with interruptions
• Layoffs and job hunts
• What kids are learning about work
• Dealing with uncertainty and guilt

We then took those questions to a panel of experts to get some answers. Participants included:

• Julia Beck, founder and CEO of the It’s Working Project
• Amber Coleman-Mortley, iCivics director of social engagement and a podcaster at Let’s K12 Better
• Brad Harrington, executive director of the Boston College Center for Work & Family
• Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist, on Instagram @drbeckyathome
• Laila Tarraf, chief people officer, Allbirds

Life is weird right now, they all affirmed. But here’s how to survive it. (Questions and advice have been edited for clarity.)

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Taking Care of Yourself

There was a lot of pressure on parents to be perfect employees as well as magical moms and dads before the pandemic. Now, it’s even more intense. It’s not just the Pinterest board for Halloween costumes, it’s also staying on top of the school assignments, making lunches and snacks every day, and worrying about what social isolation is doing to your toddler or high schooler, all while transitioning to video calls and estrangement from colleagues.

There’s also more work stress, between regular interruptions, real or threatened job losses, and irregular schedules. This is what we heard about from readers more than anything else. As Nedra Hutton, in Round Rock, Texas, put it succinctly: How do you stay sane? I feel like I am failing everywhere.

Across the world in India, an anonymous reader wrote: My company is letting go of employees all over the globe. What if it were to happen to me? It worries me so much that I steal time out of my sleeping hours to give all I can to my work because I don’t want to shortchange my toddler on the time he deserves. Then I hear everyone saying to exercise and take care of your health. It’s all so daunting.

I empathize with these two readers a lot. There is so much to do and so much worry embedded in all of it. What can we do?

Becky Kennedy: First, start showing yourself an hourly dose of compassion.

Self-compassion has the power to transform our worries from intolerable to still-difficult-yet-tolerable. Every hour on the hour, stop your work, place your feet on the ground and a hand on your heart, and repeat this mantra: “This is a really tough time to be a parent. I am doing the best I can. I am doing enough. I am enough.”

Second, think about small doses of self-care; this could mean a special bath wash for your showers, a three-minute meditation, or a 10-minute walk by yourself. Your body needs to restore given how depleting each day is. Honor that need.

Amber Coleman-Mortley: When you’re feeling the chaos swirl around you, take time to close your eyes and inhale and exhale. I find myself repeating the “Serenity Prayer” in my moments of anxiousness. It helps. I also try to remind myself that there was an immense amount of pressure on working parents to live up to unrealistic standards even before Covid-19. You can disrupt that pressure by focusing on routines that ground you in wellness, gratitude, and self-care. Which unrealistic rituals, habits, or values can you let go of? Is it having dinner at 6 PM every night? Or a fixed 8 PM bedtime? Can you relinquish some of the rigidity of routine with attainable rituals like family discussions, more hugs, better eating habits, family game night, flexible bedtimes, or reading for pleasure?

Laila Tarraf: Let’s try to cut each other some slack. The lines between work and home have blurred, which requires all of us — employers and employees — to establish stronger boundaries and practice self-care in a much more intentional way.

At Allbirds, we’ve continued to encourage flexibility for all employees, but especially for working parents with young children at home. We’ve blocked out calendars between 8 and 9 AM to make sure parents can get their kids set up in the morning, and we have one afternoon a week where we do not schedule any meetings at all. We’ve tried to encourage our parents to block out their calendars throughout the day when they need to be focused on their children, whether that’s an hour at lunch, or 30 minutes at 3 PM when school gets out, or 4 or 5 PM when the kids want to go outside and play.

Companies cannot create healthy boundaries for individuals, however, and it is up to each and every one of us to determine what we need to do to take care of ourselves. Self-care comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and if you’ve got the ability, time, and motivation to jump on your Peloton or go for a run, then great. And if all you can muster right now is taking a deep breath, closing your eyes, and walking away from your computer, blocking off breaks during the day to stretch or take a walk, then that is also great.

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Dealing with Interruptions

Chances are, all of us have been on a conference call or video meeting where a child has made a “guest appearance.” Our readers asked about dealing with this sort of interruption, which may be momentarily cute but can have long-term impacts.

Vineeta in Mumbai asked: Because of the pandemic, I’m working from home with a one-year-old baby whose feeding and other demands cannot be postponed or preplanned. In my industry, working from home was not a norm before the pandemic. How can I not be perceived as unprofessional if I drop or postpone a call for sudden baby needs? Would it be better to be honest about reasons, or will I be considered a resource who cannot be relied upon?

Andria in Centreville, Virginia, also asked about managing interruptions: How can I possibly be productive while being interrupted and monitoring children constantly throughout the day? My focus is shifting every 30 minutes, and it is causing real attention burnout. Any advice?

Julia Beck: The attention burnout you are describing is quite real, and detrimental. We all need time to think, ideate, and process. Working in a space that is also a school, laundromat, and restaurant (to name a few) makes that impossible.

My short answer is to find space where you can’t and won’t be interrupted. Removing yourself from all of the constant variables improves productivity and protects your mental health and well-being.

Amber Coleman-Mortley: Communication with your supervisor and your team are paramount. Be clear about your needs and request clarity regarding theirs, then spend time working through a strategy that will best support everyone in an equitable way. Are there small adjustments that can help, such as staying off-camera and on mute until absolutely necessary?

Read your employee manual to see how it addresses the needs of parents. Are you utilizing the services and policies available to you? Is there space for creativity around work hours? How are the other working parents managing life right now, and is it possible to create a support group where you share best practices, tips, and coping mechanisms? If you don’t have a support group at work, try searching your industry on Facebook; there are many groups you can join to find support.

Lastly, consider how you manage availability on your calendar. Block off a few slots each week to prevent random meetings being scheduled at inopportune times.

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Sharing the Burden at Home

I really love/hate this question from an anonymous reader in London, who wrote about employers’ and colleagues’ gender expectations around caregiving:

My wife does a similar job to me. In fact, it’s a more senior position. When I am on calls and need to either finish early or accommodate childcare, I have been asked too many times, “What is your wife doing?” or “Can’t your wife do that?”

It’s frustrating to hear that this is happening, yet we know that mothers are taking on more of the caregiving hours at home. What can people, like this dad, do in these situations?

Brad Harrington: It’s time for men to address outdated gender bias like this. Our research at the Boston College Center for Work & Families has shown that fathers are somewhat more susceptible than mothers to conforming to organizational cues about what is expected of them in the workplace — whether these are signaled by their colleagues or are men’s perception of what is “appropriate” behavior in their workplaces.

Whatever the case, men must step up and be outspoken allies. Work with your partner to make the right decisions for your family and state your convictions clearly to your colleagues. In so doing, you’ll also be making a contribution to greater gender equality.

Becky Kennedy: I love Kasia Urbaniak’s ideas around responding to inappropriate questions by asking a question back, as a way of changing the narrative and power dynamic in the relationship. I think that to be truly impactful and effective, the dad here can say something like, “Why do you think my wife should do that instead of me?” or “Why do you assume that I don’t have childcare responsibilities?” or “What makes you think I don’t do my fair share around the house?” This works really well because it forces the questioner to address their stereotyping.

[  4  ]

Layoffs and Job Hunts

We heard from many readers who have lost their jobs during the pandemic.

One of them, Lisa Eisensmith in Lancaster, New York, asked: I was laid off from my full-time job at the end of July. I have two school-aged kids and they are doing part-time in-person learning this year and part-time virtual. Meanwhile, I’m looking for a new job. How do I address this situation in an interview? If I do get the position, how do I address the school situation with the new employer?

We also heard from readers who are concerned about their positions at their companies, given their parenting responsibilities. An anonymous reader in Dallas, Texas, wrote: We arranged our lives to make work the top priority by sending our kids to school and after-school care in order to not interrupt the workday. Now we are forced to divide our loyalties as the demands of online school and virtual work are more intense than ever. I’m concerned that companies will prioritize hiring and promoting employees without kids and leaving the parents behind.

These two questions really go to the heart of how parenting and working has shifted so dramatically, while our workplaces themselves (and their norms and priorities) maybe haven’t. How should you manage this tension?

Laila Tarraf: Few companies view parents as less desirable than nonparents; Covid will eventually go away, and I would think that most companies take a longer-term view.

When interviewing for a job, I don’t think it serves you to conceal your parenting situation, especially if your role will start out being remote. Perhaps you can broach the subject with prospective employers by asking what kinds of practices and protocols they currently have in place. Most companies have had to adjust how they work, so asking questions around expectations and how existing employees are balancing family and work will give you a sense if the company is a good fit for you.

Julia Beck: Working — during a pandemic or not — requires full focus and an ability to turn on the creativity without limitation or anxiety. Your overall home environment might not be ideal for launching a job search or attending an important meeting, but can you find or make moments when it is?

For example, Peggy, a San Francisco–based fintech executive, told me that her go-to spot through the job search was her car parked in a peaceful spot on the Embarcadero where she would work for two to three hours a day. When she landed a position, she worked out low-cost deals to find the space she needed away from kids as she established herself within her new organization (a friend’s vacant apartment, for example, or well-priced Airbnbs). Eventually, she found a way to work from the backyard of her home.

Many people are going to be surprised by how much the flexibility introduced by Covid will become a norm. Given this pivot, the reader who wrote about arranging childcare around uninterrupted work hours might begin to think about what arranging childcare and work around family needs would look like. They might find that their manager and organization are, for the most part, newly understanding. After all, when employees find ways to creatively compromise, employers do too!

[  5  ]

What Kids Are Learning About Work

There was an interesting thread in the responses about how kids are experiencing work right now. (There’s a discussion and art activity for parents and kids to do together elsewhere in this series.)

I was really struck by these two comments. The first is from Roxana Contreras in Lima, Peru: I have noticed that my child (three years old) is associating “have to work” with a “sad moment,” even when I tell him that I love what I do. He just wants to play, and it is difficult for him to understand that Mom and Dad can’t play whenever he wants.

Similarly, Derya, in Dubai, asked: My daughter sees that when I am working, I am stressed, unhappy, anxious. I constantly blame myself for not being able to hide my emotions from her and that I respond to her angrily whenever she enters the room and I am on a call. I worry that she will link work with unhappiness or stress or anger. How can I tackle my emotions? And am I teaching her that working is unpleasant?

Amber Coleman-Mortley: For any toddler, work or any activity that doesn’t involve them will seem like an obstacle. Three is a challenging age to learn how to wait and respect other people’s time and space, but it’s nonetheless doable and important.

My advice is to set a time limit and ask your child to come back and check up on you or give you a hug when the timer goes off. Sometimes young children just crave closeness; if possible, create space for your toddler to work alongside you on a tablet for a specific amount of time.

Regarding negative emotions associated with work, the most important question is: How do you view the purpose of work in your life and for your family? You need to reconcile that before talking to your child. As our children get older, we should have conversations about these issues and explain that work is how we support our families financially. If you enjoy what you do, share that joy with your child. If you are not enjoying work, discuss how you pursue life passions and enjoyment elsewhere.

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Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

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Becky Kennedy: Rather than getting really good at getting things right the first time, make it your goal to get really good at repair. This means instead of telling yourself, “I won’t yell at my child today,” tell yourself, “I will repair if I yell at my child today.” Here’s what a good repair looks like: “Hey, sweetie. Earlier today, I yelled at you. You were right to notice that and I’m sure that felt bad. Just like you sometimes have big feelings, Mommy does too, and I’m working on staying calmer even when I’m having a hard time. I love you so much.”

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When Guilt Runs Rampant

Many readers wrote in wondering about how to handle guilt.

Andrew, in Orlando, Florida, wrote about the guilt he feels in sending his son to school when he worries that it is unsafe; Laura, in Alberta, Canada, wrote about the guilt she feels knowing what her kids are missing out on during the pandemic; others wrote about feeling personally guilty about making a decision to quit their job in order to manage their household.

Many more responses echoed the feelings of this anonymous reader in Ashburn, Virginia, who wrote: There is a constant sense of guilt juggling a full-time demanding job and making time for the kids, which eventually leads to us giving 200% at work and at home — and it is mentally very exhausting.

I feel this so much. What can we do with those feelings of guilt? What do they mean? Is it possible to not feel guilty right now?

Becky Kennedy: Here’s what’s important to keep in mind: When the world changes, we have to change. Well, actually, we do something more complex: We adapt. Adaptation is the process by which an organism becomes better suited to its environment. If you are making different parenting decisions than you did months ago, this is a sign of your ability to adapt. It’s a sign of strength, and it’s necessary for survival.

Brad Harrington: Given the circumstances we are all facing now, guilt is the last thing any of us should be feeling. Our workplace needs us, but so do our children, and often their needs are more pressing — and, frankly, over the long term, more important.

Never has there been a more important time to show understanding and empathy for those in challenging situations. Managers and organizations need to offer flexible work arrangements wherever possible. That includes working from home if kids cannot go to day care or school. Maybe it’s impossible to work Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, right now, but letting people manage their hours differently can be a big help. If you are fortunate to have a partner, such arrangements could allow spouses to spell one another over the course of the week.

Amber Coleman-Mortley: Disappointing our children is going to happen, whether there’s a pandemic or not. No matter how hard we work, our kids may still grow up and feel that they should have received one more hug, toy, or smile. That is a reality that all parents must live with.

Once you begin to grapple with that, you can put the feelings of guilt in perspective. Explore what is at the root of your guilt. If you’re attempting to create a world where your child feels no pain or experiences no discomfort, good luck. This is completely unsustainable for you, and it sets your child up for unreasonable expectations of the world and even their future partner. If your guilt is rooted in your ego or how you measure your worth, begin to explore your value as a constant in the universe not contingent on whether you’ve completed a task “successfully.”

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Dealing with Uncertainty

An anonymous reader in Boynton Beach, Florida, wrote: My son had Covid in April. Thank goodness that he survived that. He was quarantined at home with me being his sole caretaker. I’m a single mother with no support system or family. I need to be strong for my son, and I will be no matter what it takes, but when I’m alone with my own thoughts I worry about all the uncertainty of our lives. How do I deal with all the uncertainty? I’m struggling, and all I have is me to depend upon.

Becky Kennedy: Here’s something powerful to know about anxiety and worry: Anxiety comes from underestimating our ability to cope with some future unknown.

We often try to overcome anxiety by addressing the uncertainty — trying to plan things out and preempt problems. But since we can’t control the future, this doesn’t work. A better strategy is to work on our coping abilities and our estimation of how effective they will be. The next time you feel a pang of anxiety, try this for self-talk: “I can cope with hard things. I always have and I always will” or “I will be able to cope with that if it happens.” Remind yourself of your resilience.

Laila Tarraf: When I find myself going down a rabbit hole, I try to notice what is going right, and what there is to be grateful for, even if it’s just clean air and a roof over my head.

If you’re in a place in your life right now where you can’t talk yourself out of anxiety and don’t feel like you can rely on friends or family to help you, consider reaching out to a mental health professional or a support group.

[  8  ]

Avoiding Resentment

An anonymous reader in Washington, DC, wrote: I pride myself on being dependable and reliable — to my family, my employees, and the students my company serves — and capable of wearing multiple hats throughout the day. This pandemic has forced me to question everything that I once prided myself on.

I can’t teach my four-year-old daughter to read while hosting a Zoom webinar. I can’t have an earnest conversation with a funder while my daughter cries in the background. And I can’t adhere to my family’s doctor-prescribed diet while shopping for our groceries online. But that’s what this pandemic expects of me.

I’m afraid to give less than 100% at work for fear of losing our largest source of income and our health insurance. So, out of necessity, I’m allowing my family life, my child’s education, and our health to suffer, and, for the first time in my adult life, I resent being a working parent.

Amber Coleman-Mortley: No one is getting straight A’s or a promotion for being a “great mom.” Just be the best that you can be at a given moment, which changes throughout the day, the week, the month. It means accepting that “control” is no longer a parenting goal. The goal might be growth or just surviving through the day.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Get any old-enough kids involved in helping out around the house. They won’t perform the tasks you delegate perfectly, but you’ll have to learn to be okay with that.
• Get creative with learning time. Can family members — older cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, or family friends — spend 20 or 30 minutes on Zoom or FaceTime reading to your four-year-old?
• Consider how your kids benefit from you being a working parent. What can you teach them about the love, patience, and ingenuity that is required to balance a career and a family? Eliminate negative messages and people from your life. Are those perfect Pins and Instagram photos fueling your feelings of inadequacy? You have the power to unfollow, hit the off button, and disengage when it comes to upsetting content and people.

Remember that this period will represent only a small percentage of a very long career and family time line. Yes, working parenthood is messy and imperfect. But it is also very rewarding.